Stepping off the Edge

Colin Kaepernick, a man so mediocre at football that he isn't even on a team, is somehow still the talk of the NFL. On September 1, 2016, he dropped to one knee during the National Anthem and the whole world noticed. Kaepernick, who sat down during the anthem the two weeks prior to the kneel, was attempting to bring attention to the growing problem of racial violence and police brutality in America. One year later, when the players continued to drop to their knees, this happened. 

The response was deafening. NFL players from all teams took a knee, raised a fist, or stood arm in arm while the National Anthem was sung. Some teams stayed in the locker room all together. The Pittsburgh Steelers were the first team to choose this move. Head Coach Mike Tomlin's goal was to keep his team 100% united by not forcing anyone to choose a side and by not causing any political tension between those who chose to stand and those who chose to kneel. However, one man chose a different path. Alejandro Villanueva: Army Ranger, 3 tours in Afghanistan, offensive tackle for the Steelers. Villanueva stood at the end of the tunnel to the locker room with his hand on his heart, singing along as he does every game day. Villanueva has since stated that he wishes he had not stood apart from his team, but in that moment he stood alone. 

Undoubtedly, this decision was not an easy one for him to make. Villanueva clearly loves his team and cares for his teammates and their struggles, but as a former member of the military he is very committed to America and all the symbolism that comes with it. I'd wager that he spent a great deal of time reflecting on this choice until he was finally at the crossroad and in that moment, something significant was determined. Villanueva stood on the cusp of who he is and who he would become, and whatever he chose would define him as a coward or as a hero. Whether kneeling or standing is heroic or cowardly depends on the person you ask. Some see Villanueva as a hero that loves his country above all else, others see him as a coward who decided to abandon his team's decision to save face. I have no way of knowing how Villanueva sees himself, but I guarantee he sees himself just a little bit differently since he made that decision on Sunday morning.

There are times in all of our lives where we are on the edge of who we used to be and who we will become. I'm talking about those moments, those choices that define who we are, reshape our character and change our lives from that moment on. There is an endless list of topics like Villanueva that have blown up on the internet only to disappear into the abyss within a few days, but I think this moment is one that will be remembered by Villanueva, Steelers fans, and people all over the world for awhile to come. This choice defined him as a serviceman first and a Steeler second, and it will surely stick with him for a long time.

I've had several of these moments in my (almost) 21 years. I can look back and point to those decisions where past-me became present-me. One of these moments is when I came out to my mom, for the second time. The first time I told my mom I am bisexual was in high school. She responded with: "No, you're not. You like guys. You just want attention. Stop hanging out with those weird friends." Being a 14 year-old, I just thought yeah she's probably right, maybe I'm just crazy. Fast-forward 4 years, I'm a sophomore in college and nothing has changed about my feelings for women. I decided to come out to my mom again. This time she said, "Stop it. You like guys." and I said "Yes. And I like girls too." The conversation didn't end there, but that was the moment that mattered. In that moment, I shifted from a shy, confused, intimidated little girl into a strong and confident bisexual woman, and that has become a very important part of my identity ever since. 

With my newly strong bisexual identity and college sending me even further into the sciences to which I have dedicated my life, I realized I had a choice to make regarding the Catholic faith I was raised in. Up until college, I was a very religious person. I believed in waiting until marriage to have sex, I was against abortion, my political beliefs were terrifyingly close to conservative. College definitely changes things and the more I reflected on Catholicism, and religion in general, I started to realize that it wasn't for me. I am a scientist. How am I supposed to reconcile people preaching creationism or claiming there's some mystical thing that knows everything, controls everything and sees everything? I am bisexual. How am I supposed to reconcile the Church's attacks on the LGBTQ community I finally let myself be a part of? I couldn't do it anymore. After months of not going to a single mass, I attended one in April of 2016, 6 months after I came out to my mother. When I walked out of that chapel, I knew what I wanted to do. I took the fall off the edge into the new version of myself. The version that believes in logic, reason, facts, data and having control over my own life. I shed what was holding me down and fell head first into the best version of me I have ever known. This moment, where I chose to step over the edge into the unknown, was one of the great defining moments of my life.

A year ago, Kaepernick made a defining choice when he got on his knee to bring attention to the rampant racism in this country. This Sunday, Villanueva made a defining choice when he stood for the Anthem of the country he was trained to protect. There will be many times in each of our lives where we find ourselves standing on the edge of a moment that will change our future and every facet of our being. Step off.