I Will Do My Best!

Last week I received some very upsetting news. It turns out that in order to receive distinction in a major, in addition to writing an undergraduate thesis, you must also have a 3.5 GPA in the major for which you are seeking distinction. I knew I needed to maintain a 3.5 GPA overall for the Honors program (which I have done), but I didn't know I needed to have a 3.5 in my Environmental Chemistry major too; currently, I have a 3.39, which I was pretty proud of until now. Anyway, I am in two chemistry classes now and if I get perfect A's in them I will have a 3.54. I have been working on my research for 6 months, including the entire summer, and I have done a lot of work for this thesis. To top it all off, if I do not get distinction in my major then I cannot even graduate with Honors even though I have dedicated a lot of time and energy to the Honors program during my time at DU. In summary, if I don't get A's (not even A-'s will cut it) in my two upper level chemistry courses, then I won't get a 3.5, and if I don't get a 3.5 I won't get a distinction in Environmental Chemistry and if I don't get a distinction in Environmental Chemistry I won't be able to graduate with Honors...and also, my thesis will not be recognized by anyone. So clearly, this left me in a bit of a mess emotionally.

I very briefly entertained the idea that I should give up on this thesis entirely and save myself from any more time being potentially wasted...but that is not like me. I believe in my abilities more than that. I can't go back in time and get better grades in other classes and I can't change the rules of the University. My only option is to do my best on the things that I can control. If I do my best in my classes and somehow I don't get A's, at least I will know I gave it my best effort and I will know there is nothing more I could have done. Besides, the hardest part of my thesis is already over so working on it a little more won't kill me. Even if the University doesn't formally recognize my thesis, it will still help me on my graduate school applications and I can try to submit it to a journal and maybe something will come of it. Or maybe nothing will come of it. But not trying at all really makes everything I have accomplished until this point worthless.

I will do my best! was the mantra that I chose because it relates to the things going on in my life and it is truly what I need to hear right now. Doing my best is all I have at this point and using this mantra over the last five days has reminded me that if I do my best now, I won't have any regrets. And if I do my best, chances are that my best will be enough for me to be successful.

I wrote the mantra on my whale calendar which is perfectly visible from my desk at home.

On day 1, I chose to meditate on my balcony. A few months ago I put up these white lights to add a little fun, but they're honestly more peaceful than anything. I closed the curtains to my apartment so I wouldn't be able to see inside and I stared at the lights and the buildings around me. I love living here around these tall apartment buildings because it makes me feel like I'm actually in the heart of a big city. The night was beautiful and the air was cool, just how I like it. After meditating, I felt vey refreshed and reassured that I had done a great job during my day so I took the rest of the night off.

On day 2, I meditated on my walk to the library. It was about 9AM on a Saturday morning so I wasn't really concerned about anyone hearing me mumbling to myself because there was no one around. Fall is my favorite time of the year and I really enjoyed being able to take in all of the beautiful leaves on a cool but sunny morning. I was headed to the library to work on my thesis and after the events of the week I was very apathetic about doing so. Reminding myself to do my best changed that though, because if I'm not doing anything I'm definitely not doing my best. I had a very productive Saturday. 

On day 3, I meditated in front of the mirror. This was definitely the most difficult day of meditation. I had heard many times about the benefit of doing positive affirmations in front of a mirror to start the day and I thought this would be a great way to try it out. I really disliked looking at myself in the mirror for that long. I don't have the best self-image and so I was a little bit distracted by my self-critical thoughts. I kept noticing acne scars or new pimples or eyebrow hairs that shouldn't be there. After a few minutes though, I was able to get past that and focus on meditating. Being hard on myself is definitely not doing my best. I should do that less.

On day 4, I meditated in bed on Monday morning when I really did not want to get up. I had an Atmospheric Chemistry exam on Monday and with the news I had received a few days ago I had no choice but to get an A. I have had this professor for two other classes where I received a B and a B+. I like my professor and we have a good relationship (he has even helped me with my thesis), but getting an A in his classes are not an easy feat. I needed this meditation pep talk before my class to prepare myself. I took the test and I thought I had put in enough effort, but I probably could have done better. 

On day 5, I meditated in the lab while endlessly pipetting metal contaminated water onto columns. This part is not a difficult one and no one else was in the lab so I figured this would be as good a time as any. It was nice to meditate while I watched the water slowly drip and drip and drip; I have given a lot of time to this work and I really don't want it to be for nothing. I had told my myself "I will do my best!" many times over these five days but what I finally realized is that I am doing my best. I will continue to do my best, of course, but I really have been giving everything my best this entire time. I might have to squeeze out a little bit more just to make sure I accomplish what I want to accomplish, but I think I am doing quite alright for myself.