Where is she?
I'm not one who intentionally tries to eavesdrop on other people's conversations, but sometimes it just happens. I was sitting in my afternoon class after a wonderful weekend ended in terrible news. I don't know these girls very well. I couldn't tell you their names. One of them was suite-mates with one of my best friends freshman year I think. I don't know who they are or who they're looking for. Maybe they were just asking about an old friend, wondering if the other had had a chance to catch up with her recently.
"Where is she? Have you seen her?"
Whenever tragedy strikes in our nation, my imagination tends to run a little wild. I tend to become obsessed with the tragedy and I have a hard time thinking about anything else. I'm sure this happens to many people, although I know there are also those that immediately turn a blind eye to it and try to pretend it never happened. I think of the thousands standing in a crowd in Las Vegas, a place I will be visiting for the first time three weeks from now to celebrate my 21st birthday. Las Vegas has always seemed like a real life Wonderland to me, full of fun, magic, celebration, well-meaning gluttony and living in the moment. And music has always been the happiest and most magical escape, it is an integral part of my life and brings me an incredible amount of happiness. This weekend, both things were temporarily ruined. With my current mindset, as soon as I overheard my classmates, my imaginative mind created an awful scene.
A man had lost his loved one in the crowd. In the frenzy that ensued, he grabbed the shoulders of those near them and begged for help, looking for his lost love. No one knew what he was babbling, he never even said her name. All he did was repeat endlessly, "where is she?" What else would you expect in moments like that? After the longest minutes of his life, he collapsed, exhausted, like so many probably did.
Whenever things like this happen, I also spend a lot of time considering how to make sure it never happens again. I didn't always feel the way I do now about the politics of these things. In high school, I was a completely different person, religiously, politically, socially, intellectually. So much so that sometimes I feel like the man in the crowd screaming "Where is she?", but about my past self instead of about a loved one. I don't miss her, not in the traditional way at least. I think about her quite often though and I always wonder where she went, if she's still here somewhere. Is she as much a part of me now as she was then? Is she gone because I got smarter, because I made new friends, because I stopped listening to my family? Is she still here somewhere? Or is she gone forever? I'm glad I am the way I am now. I wouldn't change that for the world, but still, I wonder where she is.
On Sunday, I spent my day doing absolutely nothing, probably because I was physically incapable of doing anything more. The day before was my 21st birthday so naturally, I was completely intoxicated the entire day and I paid for that dearly on Sunday. I watched the Steelers beat the Ravens, which always makes for a happy day. I went to a brewery with my family and forced myself to have a beer. After Saturday, I really did not want to consume anymore alcohol. I spent a great deal of the day asleep, which is something I don't get a lot of most of the time. Usually when I have down time like that, I still spend it all in my head worrying about things. It wasn't too bad this time. I thought a bit about how weird it felt to be 21. Am I old now? I waited so long to be 21--it seems a little overrated. Everything hurts and I just want to sleep for 100 years. I was so different 5 years ago. I never imagined I'd be where I am now, doing what I'm doing, being with who I'm with. It's strange how life catches you off guard like this sometimes. But we just keeping chugging along.
It's funny how we can learn so much about people by the things they choose to talk about. Even just overhearing a conversation while waiting in line somewhere. You casually meet a person and you accidentally learn something about them and then maybe you forget them or maybe you don't, but because of those moments you'll be connected to them in history. A few years later, if you happen to bump into the same person again they might be in a totally different place in their own history, just as you will probably be in a different place in your own. Life is funny that way. Writing is a beautiful way to get to know someone because people write about the things they care about and they mention the things that are important to them. Social justice and ethical policy making and caring about all humans are somethings that are very important to me. I am a very emotional person and I feel things very deeply, when other humans suffer I feel their suffering within me, this is why I spent most of Monday heartbroken over the news from Las Vegas. These things matter to me so I have written them here. Now you know what matters to me and future-Carolyn will know what mattered to her in this moment.
Throughout life, we're not the same person. We're endlessly different versions of the same person. We change over time and it is important to write down how we feel in certain moments in our past so we can reminisce about the person we used to be. Sometimes we lose the old versions of ourselves and sometimes we think about the old days and what we were like back then and sometimes we want to know where she went. But it'll be a miracle if we ever find her again.
"Where is she? Have you seen her?"
Whenever tragedy strikes in our nation, my imagination tends to run a little wild. I tend to become obsessed with the tragedy and I have a hard time thinking about anything else. I'm sure this happens to many people, although I know there are also those that immediately turn a blind eye to it and try to pretend it never happened. I think of the thousands standing in a crowd in Las Vegas, a place I will be visiting for the first time three weeks from now to celebrate my 21st birthday. Las Vegas has always seemed like a real life Wonderland to me, full of fun, magic, celebration, well-meaning gluttony and living in the moment. And music has always been the happiest and most magical escape, it is an integral part of my life and brings me an incredible amount of happiness. This weekend, both things were temporarily ruined. With my current mindset, as soon as I overheard my classmates, my imaginative mind created an awful scene.
A man had lost his loved one in the crowd. In the frenzy that ensued, he grabbed the shoulders of those near them and begged for help, looking for his lost love. No one knew what he was babbling, he never even said her name. All he did was repeat endlessly, "where is she?" What else would you expect in moments like that? After the longest minutes of his life, he collapsed, exhausted, like so many probably did.
Whenever things like this happen, I also spend a lot of time considering how to make sure it never happens again. I didn't always feel the way I do now about the politics of these things. In high school, I was a completely different person, religiously, politically, socially, intellectually. So much so that sometimes I feel like the man in the crowd screaming "Where is she?", but about my past self instead of about a loved one. I don't miss her, not in the traditional way at least. I think about her quite often though and I always wonder where she went, if she's still here somewhere. Is she as much a part of me now as she was then? Is she gone because I got smarter, because I made new friends, because I stopped listening to my family? Is she still here somewhere? Or is she gone forever? I'm glad I am the way I am now. I wouldn't change that for the world, but still, I wonder where she is.
On Sunday, I spent my day doing absolutely nothing, probably because I was physically incapable of doing anything more. The day before was my 21st birthday so naturally, I was completely intoxicated the entire day and I paid for that dearly on Sunday. I watched the Steelers beat the Ravens, which always makes for a happy day. I went to a brewery with my family and forced myself to have a beer. After Saturday, I really did not want to consume anymore alcohol. I spent a great deal of the day asleep, which is something I don't get a lot of most of the time. Usually when I have down time like that, I still spend it all in my head worrying about things. It wasn't too bad this time. I thought a bit about how weird it felt to be 21. Am I old now? I waited so long to be 21--it seems a little overrated. Everything hurts and I just want to sleep for 100 years. I was so different 5 years ago. I never imagined I'd be where I am now, doing what I'm doing, being with who I'm with. It's strange how life catches you off guard like this sometimes. But we just keeping chugging along.
It's funny how we can learn so much about people by the things they choose to talk about. Even just overhearing a conversation while waiting in line somewhere. You casually meet a person and you accidentally learn something about them and then maybe you forget them or maybe you don't, but because of those moments you'll be connected to them in history. A few years later, if you happen to bump into the same person again they might be in a totally different place in their own history, just as you will probably be in a different place in your own. Life is funny that way. Writing is a beautiful way to get to know someone because people write about the things they care about and they mention the things that are important to them. Social justice and ethical policy making and caring about all humans are somethings that are very important to me. I am a very emotional person and I feel things very deeply, when other humans suffer I feel their suffering within me, this is why I spent most of Monday heartbroken over the news from Las Vegas. These things matter to me so I have written them here. Now you know what matters to me and future-Carolyn will know what mattered to her in this moment.
Throughout life, we're not the same person. We're endlessly different versions of the same person. We change over time and it is important to write down how we feel in certain moments in our past so we can reminisce about the person we used to be. Sometimes we lose the old versions of ourselves and sometimes we think about the old days and what we were like back then and sometimes we want to know where she went. But it'll be a miracle if we ever find her again.
This was a really heartfelt post and I could really feel you coming throughout all of it. It is intriguing the impact that things happening around the country have an impact on you and your internal processes. I loved the bit where you mention that writing is a beautiful way to get to know someone. The rest of the sentence was an almost identical thought to what I had written. Life is funny that way. I love the idea that we are just moments of history and different people at different times. I feel like that a lot. Even to knowing you as a freshman, to now. And it was almost as if when we spent that 90 seconds staring into each other's eyes that I felt you changing and you could feel me changing. We acknowledged each other in the moment and we acknowledged the girls we used to be. Lovely job.
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